a different kind of miracle

words cannot express...


hi sweet boy-

a few days ago we found out you are a boy. and that you are completely healthy. i'm still at a loss for words about how exactly i feel about that. the next day gigi (you'll meet gigi--she's my mama and she's great at being a grandma. you're gonna love her for sure) asked me if it felt surreal that i was having a boy. and that part isn't surreal at all-i felt so sure that you were a boy i think i would've actually been in shock a little if you had been a girl. not a bad shock at all, but shock nonetheless. but what does feel surreal was that every bit of news we got in the ultrasound was good news. at the end of the visit our doctor actually said "i could give you bad news if you want me to, but i'd have to make it up." we politely declined=) it does feel surreal that you are healthy, that this will be a "normal" pregnancy and i'll get to bring you home with me when i leave the hospital in december. that we won't sleep for a few months (or more? we'll see.) and feed you like every other baby gets fed and go to sleep in the same house as you. your big sister (her name is catherine. she is NUTS about you, buddy. i wish you could see this part of your life, mostly so you could see how excited she is about you=)) was sick when she was born and lived in a hospital for the first four months of her life and then again on and off for another 3 months after that. now she's a normal almost-4-year-old, other than the fact that she's a scrawny little thing and she has a few scars on her neck and tummy. she'll show them off for you one day and tell you all about her story if you want her to. my point is, we don't know what to do with ourselves right now because we've never done this before. wednesday morning before the ultrasound i was thinking back to our ultrasound day with catherine-how we were so excited before our appointment and then that turned into driving to another hospital and waiting 2 hours for the doctor to confirm what the ultrasound tech saw, and that turned into driving to yet another hospital and waiting for another 2 hours to talk to the pediatric surgeon to hear his opinion on what he thought would happen with catherine after she was born, i.e. she had a 25% chance of living more than a week or two. ok back to my point. we had one appointment last wednesday. it didn't last very long. everything they told us was reassuring and wonderful and routine and most definitely surreal. i couldn't believe it then, and i still can't really believe it now.

and we are so excited about you. can't wait to meet you. every now and then i think i might feel you flip flop in there and i just want to sit and rub my tummy and talk to you. i do talk to you, actually, but i want to look into those sweet eyes while i do and watch you learn our faces and discover your world. i can't wait to see you watching your sister and realize how much she loves you. she's been asking for you for two years=) we had a DVD made of the ultrasound wednesday and catherine and i watched it today and she kept asking if that's what you were doing right now in my tummy. earlier today we were in target and she was riding on daddy's shoulders and she started yelling "baby boy! baby boy!" and we turned to see a family pushing a 1year old boy in a stroller. and then she told the mama (still yelling with enthusiasm) that we had a baby boy and his name was adam (we're 99% sure that is your name). and the mama asked how old you were and catherine said "zero! he's in my mommy's tummy! he'll be here at christmas!" and she does this to anybody who will listen. cashiers and every teacher at her school and people at my work. anybody who is in earshot. she wants to go buy you things every day. we've tried to reign her in a little, but in the past 4 days you now have 4 new pairs of pajamas thanks to her...i have a feeling you will be well taken care of, whether i have anything to do with it or not=)

we had the sweetest weekend. celebrating this healthy new life in my belly (YOU!) and dreaming of what you will be like and planning in our head what we need to do to get ready for you and letting your sister buy you things here and there. we went to cracker barrel and we went shopping and it was one of my favorite family weekends ever. and it feels so strange that you're not here with us yet in the flesh. incomplete somehow. it baffles me how from the second i was told you were a boy you became an entirely new person to me. i knew you were in there and no doubt i loved you before last wednesday, but it's like i started to be able to really get to know you. i can't explain it, and i know there are even some mama's out there who can't quite relate to what i mean either. it's just the way my particular brain works. but there's something about knowing your gender that makes the wheels start turning and our relationship become more real. and then there's the fact that you're healthy. people talk about your sister like she is a miracle, and no doubt she is. we could not be more thankful for the fact that we have gotten to keep her. we didn't think that would happen, and for some humbling reason God decided to let your mommy and daddy be her parents for more than just 9 months here on earth. more on that later. but you, my sweet son, are a miracle in and of your healthy self. everything where it's supposed to be, working just as it should. you are a fine piece of work by the hands of the One who loves you far more than mommy or daddy ever could. i can't wait for you to meet Him. it's Jesus, the one i'm talking about. we will do our best to introduce you to Him, to show you what He is like. how worthy of honor and praise and adoration and a life dedicated to pointing toward Him. He made you, just as He meant for you to be. to fulfill whatever purpose He has for you. to be a part of His story. you are a child of the Most High God, the King. you are our precious prince. no less a miracle than that 3 year old sleeping in the next room who is making herself crazy in anticipation of meeting you=)

we love you sweet boy. can't wait to hold you in my arms. i am so thankful i think my heart my burst =)

mommy

wednesday...

hi sweet love=)

so wednesday we find out if you're getting a little brother or a little sister. can't wait can't wait=) and just as i predicted, i have definitely gotten more nervous and anxious about what we'll see on the ultrasound. not the gender - we would love to have another precious daughter and we would also love to be parents to a little boy - but i started thinking more and more about what if things aren't ok. what if this sweet babe is not healthy. what if it's a day like that day in april of 2008 and our whole world flips upside down in a matter of minutes?

we'd be ok. that's what would happen. God took care of us then and He's taking care of us now. our little family of four. but it's ok that i sure hope all is well, right??

as for the gender guessing: i have a boy feeling. i had a boy feeling within minutes of getting a positive pregnancy test. it's kinda hilarious, actually, because up until that moment i had always felt like our next child would be a girl. but 30 minutes after the positive test i just suddenly realized that in those 30 minutes when i was planning in my head or imagining this baby, it was a boy. so who knows what that means??? this pregnancy has been a little different - from week 6-14, like with catherine, i was nauseous 24/7. but with this one zofran didn't work at all and i have actually thrown up a couple times, and that didn't happen with catherine. sorry for the ridiculous details, i'm just gonna want to remember these things 10 years down the road=) and apparently i have this rash called "prurigo of pregnancy" where i itch all over and only get bumps after i start scratching. nice, huh?? so really. these things could mean absolutely nothing, but even before all of that started i had that little mama gut feeling that it was a sweet boy i was growing in there=) so it's gonna be hilarious and equally wonderful if it's a girl!!

there have been a few times when other people were pregnant that i had a strong feeling what they were having, and i was right. i thought my oldest brother was having a girl and he did, i thought my middle brother was having a boy and he did, i thought catherine was a girl, and i thought our sweet friends rachel and lance were having boy/girl twins and they did. i realize i sound like a mystical magical hippy putting any merit whatsoever in all of these things, but we'll see wednesday!!! gigi has never been right when she guessed what people were having, and i have never been wrong, and we both think this is a boy=) so the winds are a-changing for one of us this week!

ok. that's all. prayers for peace on wednesday are great appreciated=)

mommy/katie/i forgot who i was writing this to...

ps. this is from catherine. she said, while twinkling her fingers over the keyboard, "i want to work with you!" so this is what she typed: gr6ju 536y5trnjyettyrwrhcatherine