good news=)

hi there sweet little girl of mine-

good news. that's an understatement, by the way. your upper gi looked good and you don't need surgery=) the radiologist didn't even finish the entire series of images because she was so not worried about what she saw. and the surgeon in atlanta agreed when he saw her report that we didn't need to worry, and we would just get another x-ray in a year and follow up then. like i hoped he would say from the very beginning=) we sent the x-rays and upper gi to your surgeon in charleston (because we trust him so much and like him a lot and always send him any imaging we get done for you..he took you so seriously when we went to him for surgery in 2011 that we always want his opinion) and after looking at it for a long time he thinks he sees a small hiatal hernia (that means a tiny bit of stomach that goes above your diaphragm, but it is not a recurrence of a diaphragmatic hernia), but there's still nothing to do about that unless it starts causing a problem. he asked if you were having any reflux symptoms (a sign that it could be causing problems), which you are just a little bit if you eat a lot, fast, but i just give you a tums and have you slow down eating and it gets better. and they agreed that we can continue doing that instead of surgically repairing it=) and he also recommended that we get an x-ray in a year and follow up then. so we are very very VERY happy about all of that=)

i've thought briefly about why this little question mark and threat of surgery came up. very briefly, mind you. i don't generally dwell much on these types of questions. but i ended up thinking about how for those few days where we didn't know, i was thinking about you like you were so fragile again. i had to be very intentional about what i do with my anxiety as it flared up. and most of all, i had to remind myself over and over that you aren't really mine to begin with. and that God loves you more than i ever will, and is and always will take such good care of you. that you are in His hands and there is no better place for you. that you are a part of His story, and i am forever humbled by that. and so thankful. and that is the only thing that helps me be ok with the possibility of surgery, and honestly the possibility that you might not live until you're 90 years old. i know there's no major threat that with another surgery you wouldn't survive it. holy moly this isn't fun to type out or to think about directly. but it's important for me to acknowledge, in order for me to continually hand you over to God. to hold you with a loose grip in the palm of my hands. i want Him to mold you and use your life as He chooses. this is a jumbled mess of thoughts, and i'm not even sure it would make sense if i went back and read it.

in summary:
-yay no surgery=), and
- i was reminded that you are God's, not really mine, and that in life or death or sickness or health He is in charge and holding you close and there's no other place i'd rather you be.

so there's that! your brother is a maniac. wiggling all over the place and making me feel like i'm on a roller coaster. can't wait to meet that sweet little muchkin, and to see you as a big sister. you're gonna be the best, and he's so lucky to have you. today you told me that you will push him down when he turns 3 because you would be playing and it would be fun. you saw your 4 year old friend at school do that to his 3 year old little brother today, so that's where you got the idea. we had to have a talk about that, and you've since changed your mind about pushing anybody being a good idea. =)

that's it. mama's sleepy. goodnight my sweet precious thing.

mommy