re-herniated

yep. it happened.

i think this will be a shortened version of the story because i'm trying not to think too much about it all. it makes me feel scared.

you had a cold a few weeks ago. no big deal. you always cough for a long time after colds because your left lung isn't quite normal. again, no big deal. but wednesday you started showing signs of respiratory distress-breathing faster and nasal flaring and retractions (if that means anything to anyone)...just basically you were having to work harder to breathe. you were really tired and wanted to sleep a lot-i brought my stethoscope home from work and listened to your lungs-your left lung had diminished breath sounds (they weren't as loud as the right lung) and i honestly thought i heard bowel sounds in your left lung. i was hoping i was just delirious with fear and i wasn't really hearing bowel sounds in your chest...wednesday night i was sleeping in the big bed with you and basically staring at you and counting your breaths and listening to you with my stethoscope every 10 minutes and wondering if you needed albuterol but knowing it wouldn't work...at 12:30 daddy came in and encouraged me to go sleep in our bed and let him sleep with you. sweet daddy. we did that and i did sleep a little. i took you in the morning to get a chest x-ray to see if your diaphragm really had re-herniated and they confirmed that it had (the hole that they patched when you were a week old opened back up a little). so your transverse colon is up by your heart. it's not as bad as it was when you were born, mostly because your lungs are big and working now, and also because the hole isn't as big and there's not as much bowel up in your chest. so we took you to greenville memorial to see dr saad who is the surgeon we met in july and he sent us over to the hospital. we love him, by the way. i've shed a few tears of frustration and fear since we've been here at this hospital because i feel like some of the caregivers don't listen to your mama, who knows you perhaps better than anyone else on the planet. throw in the fact that i have some medical education, and it seems like my opinion might be of some value, right? call me crazy. (i'm bitter, can you tell?) some of them think your colon has been in your chest for a while; i am 200% confident that isn't true, and that it herniated on wednesday (there are VERY few things that i am 200% confident about). they won't listen to me that you have an allergy to fentanyl. i'm gonna have to just start saying you have an anaphylactic reaction to make them take it seriously. they were worried about her "viral symptoms" and they said that's why they weren't doing the surgery last night, but in my mind it would be more urgent to get my sweet baby's freaking intestines out of her chest. will you please just tell me that you've been in surgery all day and catherine is stable and it's not worth taking a sleepy OR team in to do my daughter's surgery. i can easily respect that and actually appreciate it. just tell me the truth, for crying out loud. and don't act like i'm an idiot. ok. it is past time for me to quit my ranting (i meant to stop 5 minutes ago-sorry love. i'm hoping you'll be old enough when you read this to forgive me and my bitterness. i love you relentlessly and these people are bringing out the most ferocious version of mama bear);)

so fast forward....you're in surgery now. it's 3pm on friday. maybe you'll be out by 8pm tonight. they gave you versed while we were still holding you before you went into the OR but it didn't work like it did last time. you acted like you were having a night terror instead. (you had your first night terror the other night, by the way. it was just as terrifying as i was told it would be). but seeing you go completely ballistic while handing you over sent me into a fit of hysterics and i cried into daddy's shoulders for a while after we left the OR. now i'm up here festering and scared out of my mind and telling you about the people that make me upset. i'm just scared, sweet baby. that you will die. or that you will live, but this will keep happening. or that there will be complications and you will lose more of your bowel, which will make your eating "situation" even harder. let's talk about that for a second. dr saad at first thought he could go in through your chest (between your 4th and 5th rib) to do the surgery and that way not have to manipulate much of your bowel and that wouldn't cause as many adhesions and possibilities for bowel obstructions and possibly having to remove more intestines. we were very excited about that. then this morning he called and said he looked at more of your records from UVA and the patch they used to repair your diaphragm when you were born has to be removed for him to place a new one, and he can only do that if he goes in through the abdomen. so that's a bummer. they'll go in pretty close to your previous incision (such a faint little scar now-but no worries. i don't care much about the scars. you might disagree one day, but it's very low on my list of worries, sweet angel). and that means they will manipulate more of your bowel and there will be more risk of problems with your intestines after surgery.....but let's pray that won't happen.

alright. so you're in there. i have to stop soon or i will freak out again. daddy and gigi and your current nurse elizabeth are wonderful and are helping to calm me down. and i have a slight suspicion (wishful thinking??) that i'm making myself out to sound more crazy than i'm actually acting, but then again i might be underplaying my crazy. it's happened before.

Jesus send Your Holy Spirit to fill this hospital and this room and catherine's OR and her sweet body. please keep her safe. heal her well and keep her healthy and safe after surgery. make her peaceful and comfortable and happy and keep her from feeling afraid while she is away from us during surgery. we love you Jesus. i trust You. there's no better place for her than in Your hands.

i love you sweet angel. i am crazy with fear. i don't know what else to say, really.

mommy

ps. i should say that there have been some people who've taken care of you here that are wonderful. i'm thankful for them. and i want to hug them almost every time i see them.

pps. greenville memorial hospital is a great reputable hospital. they just don't know you. they should listen to your mama because you are quite the complex little cookie. and i've been there every step of the way and paid attention to every painstaking detail. and they just simply don't do as many diaphragmatic hernia repairs or re-hernia repairs here as UVA does...it scares the dickens out of me. (what are dickens?)

ppps. believe it or not, this did end up being a shortened version of the story.