baby shower

hi sweet catherine=)

our church threw a baby shower for you today. daddy and i went in your place since you're still in the hospital=) these people are so incredible-i can't wait for you to meet them. they love you so much and are so invested in your amazing little life-they pray for you fervently and passionately-they are so excited about the way God is working in and through you. you are very special to them. i loved them already, but that makes me love them even more. daddy and i got to share what's been on our hearts lately-what God has been teaching us during this little journey with you-how to pray for all three of us better. they allow us to be authentic with them and we appreciate that. mommy gains so much from people letting me be vulnerable with them-that might be kind of weird, i'm not sure, but that's how i've always been. the strange thing is that, i haven't been able to be at church many sundays over the last year because of work and school, so i feel like i don't know them nearly as well as i want to. but they know us=) and i'm so thankful for that. they have dedicated themselves to intercede on our behalf faithfully and all the way through to meeting you face to face one sunday=) i can't wait for the three of us to get to know all of them better. they gave you lots of pretty and fun things. you will have fun playing with your new toys, and mommy will have fun playing dress up with you in all the new pink and frilly outfits=) there is a wonderful something about the body of Christ that strengthens us and refreshes us-the three of us (you, me, and daddy) are lucky to have them. they are waiting to welcome you with open arms=)

so guess what??? =)=)=) i came in a little early to the hospital this morning to see you before the shower and the doctors were crowded around your bed. this is called "rounds". that means they're just discussing you and what's going on with you, what the plan is, etc...and when i walked up your nurse was holding you (at which point you saw me and kept watching me stand there-i loved it even though i'm not really sure if you can actually see that far yet;)) and she had a big smile on her face. so i looked at the doctor and she basically told me that you were surprising them with how well you're doing-specifically with nasal cannula trials (they get longer every day) and with breastfeeding. and she said that they were still talking to the insurance company and with chippenham to see if it would work out to transfer you, BUT that if you continued on this trajectory that in 10 days they'd be talking about sending you home instead of just to a hospital closer to home. WHAT!!!!! we couldn't believe it. i just was trying not to cry as she told me all this and i kept looking at you with your bright eyes wide awake and touching your cheek and listening to her and trying to believe it all-it felt a little like a dream. of course there could be setbacks that change this plan, but we just pray against those and that you will continue to improve every day. so anyway you would go home on a nasal cannula with a little oxygen tank and an oxygen saturation monitor. we can handle that, can't we??? i can't even imagine really having you in your little crib. so they left and i started feeding you and looking out the window, and i started remembering a conversation i had with one of your nurses a week or two ago. we were talking about praying specifically and she was saying how she prays specifically for your lung function-your alveoli-and for your pulmonary hypertension to heal. i was talking about how i still pray a "bold" prayer-you know-one of those that would seriously take an absolute miracle to happen-that you would be able to come home by the time i had to go back to work even though at the time it looked absolutely nothing like that could possibly happen. i just wanted to keep praying it. and sitting there feeding you looking out the window i suddenly realized that God might be answering that prayer. so then i started crying a little=) He is so sweet to us. even if that doesn't happen sweet -even if there is another setback or two and you're here longer than we hope-He is still good. i've been a little bothered lately by how i feel "close" to God when things are going well with you-i feel happy with Him and warm and fuzzy and cozy. but when you get septic or have a bad day, i feel cold with Him and further away and mad. i that. what is that anyway? He doesn't change at all when you have good or bad days. i feel like those things indicate a very immature relationship with Him, and i don't want that. i suppose it's fairly human to feel like that sometimes. i am so thankful that i've been able to at least acknowledge that He's still ultimately the best good we could ever have or dream of and that He is taking such good care of us-and that He loves you even more than daddy or i ever will. but i'm a little embarassed sometimes at how my "feelings" for Him wax and wane according to what kind of day you're having. i hope that changes. or maybe it's ok for it not to change. i don't know=) mommy is quite a "feely" person-very driven by emotions-(again-not a great trait to have!) but i'm thinking that has a lot to do with this tug-of-war with God lately. i feel Him smiling on us and i'm so thankful for that. He smiles at me even when i am boggly in my head. i can't wait for Him to show these things to you sweet love=)

when we got back to you tonight i couldn't quit staring at you. you look so peaceful in your little crib there with your jungle buddies flying around in a circle above your head to the tune of bach or beethoven (whatever the mobile is playing at the time...) you're absolutely beautiful and i just sat there in the chair taking you in. you are our heart pretty baby=)

i love you-

mommy