......

catherine-

hi sweet baby. this has not been your best week. they found out you became septic, and that's what caused you to quit breathing. you were just so sick. sepsis means you have an infection in your blood. yours specifically liked to eat up your platelets and basically just made you feel so horrible that you decided you didn't feel like breathing anymore. the sepsis pretty quickly responded to antibiotics, especially now that they know what exact organism was growing in there and they've picked an even better antibiotic to fight it. they have been weaning you on your ventilator for the past few days and planned to extubate you today. you were actually looking like you really wanted it out-playing with it with your tongue and pulling at the tape (probably on accident) all the time. but when they took it out this morning you started working really really hard to breathe and no matter what they tried, they couldn't calm you down. therefore, they put you back on the ventilator. your x-ray this morning actually looked pretty good, so i'm not sure what exactly is making you need the ventilator so bad. but you do need it. they'll try again maybe next week...

we talked to the doctor a couple days ago about the possibilities for you. he said that once you got back on cpap, if you still needed that pressure for your lungs after another month or so they would seriously consider giving you a tracheotomy and sending you home with that for a while (a while=6 months or a year or 18 months-whatever you need). this means that they would put a little hole through your neck into your trachea and deliver the cpap through that. i hate imagining this for you. it's so scary. daddy says you'll want us to try as hard as we can to keep this from happening because you might hate the big scar it would leave on your neck when you're older=) but we know that if that's what's best for you, we'll all be thankful we did it one day, including you-scar and all=) the doctor said that's definitely not a decision they're making right now, but he just wanted us to know there was a fairly strong chance you might need it. he said the reason for it was because once babies get to a certain age, they need more developmental stimulation that they just can't get in the hospital. if they can send you home with a trach, you'll get the positive pressure you need but also be able to grow and learn like a normal sweet baby would. it's just terrifying to think of taking you home with one of those. we hate imagining you having a hole cut in your throat. we are so sad you might have to have this. we're still praying it doesn't happen=)

so.....all of this said.....i'm finally getting angry with God. remember how mommy talked to you about that earlier? how i was afraid to be mad at Him? i hate every second of it, but i am mad at Him. i also know it makes no sense to be mad at Him, but that's how i feel. i just don't understand at all why this is happening the way it is. but i also know i should be (and am) so thankful for having you at all. i know i've always said i'm typically ok with not understanding why He does things, but looking at you and imagining how miserable you are makes this a whole different ball game. why do you have to go through this? i hate it. i am so sad for you. i also think i'm just really anxious and impatient for you to come home because mommy has to go back to work full time in november. i can't imagine not getting to see you every day. it seems like that shouldn't even be an option-going back to work full time and not seeing you, but mommy and daddy don't know what else to do. so that probably is making it worse-me getting mad at God for not speeding up your recovery. i know He's still good, and i tell Him so. i tell Him i know He loves us so much and i know He isn't neglecting us or choosing to harm us. i tell Him i love Him and i thank Him so much for you and the miracle of your little life so far. but i also tell Him that i'm mad at Him. it's a little bit therapeutic to be able to talk to Him about that. He's very sweet the way He stays constant through all of my ranting at Him. i'm so thankful He's still there and always will be. i'm so thankful He's holding you the way He is. i know in my head that He's doing that-holding you close, but i just don't feel it and i can't see it tangibly, so my heart feels cold a little bit when it comes to Him. but even writing this is helping mommy a little bit. i thank Him for listening to me. and i thank you too=) i love you sweet baby-we are right by your side.

mommy

ps-mommy and daddy's car got broken into last night-i kind of tell you this because it makes us laugh a little bit. there's a huge cinder block with glass shattered everywhere across our front seat. i should take a picture and show you one day=)