regaining peace and perspective

catherine-

hi baby girl=) there have been lots of thoughts floating around in my head the last few weeks (it's becoming pretty normal for me=)) and i wanted to tell you about them. i was talking to a friend a while back and realized that my perspective on you being sick had started to change a little-for the worse. i think it's understandable and human for this to happen, but i want so badly to maintain a Godly perspective on all of this-i honestly don't know how else to deal with it my sweet girl! every now and then, especially here toward the end, i'll start feeling hopeful and then realize how i'm thinking and get so scared, trying to balance hope with medical reality. knowing God can and sometimes does perform miracles, but recognizing that might not be what He has in store this time....and that's ok. i want so badly to continue with the mindset and prayer for God to do absolutely whatever brings Him the most glory. as much as i want to keep you, and as heartbreaking as it is to think of watching you take your last little breath, i feel unbelievably honored that He would choose you to be a part of whatever He has in store-whether that's in your life or in your death. in church sunday i read my very favorite verse over again and it helped me regain that perspective a little. here is the verse:

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

~Ephesians 3:16-21

i do pray these things for you my sweet girl. i pray more than anything that you would indeed grasp how wide and long and high and deep Christ's love is for YOU-how he delights in you-and if He were to give you a long life here on earth i pray that you would experience the ability that has to transform a person into reckless abandon toward Jesus. i pray that you would be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God-everything He is and all He has to offer you. if you can truly grasp that, you can't help but fall madly in love with Him and be changed by it my precious little one. it's just not possible to stay the same. i like the part about Him being able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, because it seems like i don't even know what to pray while we're walking through this journey with you-i pray what's on my heart for sure, but i can't even begin to imagine what He might be doing in all of this-and that brings peace to my heart-that no matter what i'm praying, He has an unconditionally wonderful plan for you and for us-and that doesn't change whether i understand it or not. do you know what else brings me comfort? thinking that you are purely His right now-that you have not been tainted by the world in even the slightest bit-that you do have His perspective and you are absolutely on board with whatever it is He's doing-you have no complaints about whether He lets us have you for a while or whether he brings you straight to be with Him in heaven-you have lots to teach us my sweet baby, and i'm so thankful for your pure perspective. you have impacted us in a way that will leave us changed forever. the last part that's bolded, "to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever" reminds me of the little legacy you're leaving already-your story is a beautiful one-one that is full of God's grace and mercy to all of us who love you, His love story with you, and of that unfathomable plan He has that keeps Him mysterious and all-powerful and ultimately good.

andrea maccorkle, the sweet mama of my dear friend and sister-in-law elaine, gave me another verse a few weeks ago. it's John 14:27, and it says "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." this was Jesus talking and it does help give me peace and i read it over and over to myself when i start feeling scared. it reminds me that He is the giver of all peace-in knowing Him is the only place i can truly find that. it also reminds me that His plans are not the kind that we can think up here on earth-He is far above and beyond our ways of thinking and comprehension. that makes it ok that His plan for you might be to take you straight to heaven. but what if he lets us keep you??? that is indeed a good plan too, and He will sustain us as your parents and provide us with what you need. you are a gift, no matter what, and we will take what He gives us of you=)

i love you baby girl-let's go take a nap now and wait for daddy to get home=)

mommy