Monday, September 17, 2012

good news=)

hi there sweet little girl of mine-

good news. that's an understatement, by the way. your upper gi looked good and you don't need surgery=) the radiologist didn't even finish the entire series of images because she was so not worried about what she saw. and the surgeon in atlanta agreed when he saw her report that we didn't need to worry, and we would just get another x-ray in a year and follow up then. like i hoped he would say from the very beginning=) we sent the x-rays and upper gi to your surgeon in charleston (because we trust him so much and like him a lot and always send him any imaging we get done for you..he took you so seriously when we went to him for surgery in 2011 that we always want his opinion) and after looking at it for a long time he thinks he sees a small hiatal hernia (that means a tiny bit of stomach that goes above your diaphragm, but it is not a recurrence of a diaphragmatic hernia), but there's still nothing to do about that unless it starts causing a problem. he asked if you were having any reflux symptoms (a sign that it could be causing problems), which you are just a little bit if you eat a lot, fast, but i just give you a tums and have you slow down eating and it gets better. and they agreed that we can continue doing that instead of surgically repairing it=) and he also recommended that we get an x-ray in a year and follow up then. so we are very very VERY happy about all of that=)

i've thought briefly about why this little question mark and threat of surgery came up. very briefly, mind you. i don't generally dwell much on these types of questions. but i ended up thinking about how for those few days where we didn't know, i was thinking about you like you were so fragile again. i had to be very intentional about what i do with my anxiety as it flared up. and most of all, i had to remind myself over and over that you aren't really mine to begin with. and that God loves you more than i ever will, and is and always will take such good care of you. that you are in His hands and there is no better place for you. that you are a part of His story, and i am forever humbled by that. and so thankful. and that is the only thing that helps me be ok with the possibility of surgery, and honestly the possibility that you might not live until you're 90 years old. i know there's no major threat that with another surgery you wouldn't survive it. holy moly this isn't fun to type out or to think about directly. but it's important for me to acknowledge, in order for me to continually hand you over to God. to hold you with a loose grip in the palm of my hands. i want Him to mold you and use your life as He chooses. this is a jumbled mess of thoughts, and i'm not even sure it would make sense if i went back and read it.

in summary:
-yay no surgery=), and
- i was reminded that you are God's, not really mine, and that in life or death or sickness or health He is in charge and holding you close and there's no other place i'd rather you be.

so there's that! your brother is a maniac. wiggling all over the place and making me feel like i'm on a roller coaster. can't wait to meet that sweet little muchkin, and to see you as a big sister. you're gonna be the best, and he's so lucky to have you. today you told me that you will push him down when he turns 3 because you would be playing and it would be fun. you saw your 4 year old friend at school do that to his 3 year old little brother today, so that's where you got the idea. we had to have a talk about that, and you've since changed your mind about pushing anybody being a good idea. =)

that's it. mama's sleepy. goodnight my sweet precious thing.


Saturday, September 8, 2012

ultrasounds and possible surgery

bad news first. catherine had a follow up, routine appointment with the surgeon in atlanta like we always do every 6 months. i honestly expected him to say don't come back for a year, everything's fine and you can spread out the time between appointments now. but the x-ray we had gotten the day before (again, routine) showed something he's worried about, and catherine will get an upper GI wednesday to help decide whether or not she needs another surgery. during the appointment i said "did you see the x-ray" to the surgeon and he said "yep-it's worrisome" and i can't describe what happened inside me when i heard him say that. i don't really want to talk about it and i'm rushing through this part of the post because i don't want to talk about it. and i'm also pretty confused about it. i saw the x-ray compared with the one from february and in both there is a little area right where her diaphragm patch is where it's elevated into her chest a tiny bit. this was also the case on her post-op x-ray in june 2011 the day after surgery in charleston. but the difference in the one from last wednesday is that, before it appeared solid or fluid-filled, and now it appears to be filled with air. so they don't know if it's stomach of intestine or colon or what, and this could be a problem. catherine sweet girl, you are completely asymptomatic and of course it's impossible to imagine surgery, again, when you're doing so well and having no problems. but if it is bowel in your chest and it twisted and became stuck up there and lost blood supply, this could turn really bad really fast, and it would be an emergency surgery and you would likely lose even more bowel at that point. so i hate this. it's a little confusing because it looks SO VERY SIMILAR to the x-rays from before and when the radiologist sent her report of the x-ray to my work, i read it and it said that it was the same as february's x-ray. she didn't notice anything worth mentioning that was worrisome. i know she's not the surgeon, and that i'm not either. but i sure don't want you to have another surgery. then we wonder do we do this now before adam comes or do we wait until next spring/summer and do we do it here in atlanta or do we go back to charleston where dr hebra is since he's been in there before and he knows your anatomy and history, etc??? i want to scream a little bit. and take you far far away and forget about any of these possibilities. and i'm going to stop talking about it now so i can maybe stop thinking about it.

good news. your 4 year checkup went great. my goal for you was to reach 30 pounds by the time you turned 4 and you made it. you were 30.5 lbs at the checkup which puts you on the 15th percentile for weight. this is a fact worth celebrating=) and you are 39.75 inches tall which puts you at the 50th percentile for height. your BMI is super low but that's no surprise. and it's on the chart so no worries=)

we had our 24 week ultrasound for your little brother last week and he looks good and healthy, measuring where he should and i think they kicked me out of the specialist's office=) (i don't have to go back for more ultrasounds unless something new comes up) here are some of my favorite pictures from the three ultrasounds we've had...
12 week ultrasound...profile and little 12 week alien face

16 week ultrasound

16 week alien face=)

it's a boy!

another it's a boy shot=)

beautiful 24 week adam. i love this sweet profile=)

sweet little foot that i can't wait to tickle and kiss

this is kinda blurry, but at the bottom is his face looking down and to our right, and above his nose and eye are his little fingers curling around his toes=) (the arrow is pointing to his index finger)

you're pretty happy that my belly is big enough for you to see that there's a baby inside it. you keep trying to feel him kick but i think you might be a little too impatient to really hold your hand there long enough=) the other day you said "mommy-i like your belly because i like your baby" and i thought adam would like to know that one day=)

today is the last day of basement work! the carpet is going in right this second and if they finish in time we will be moving furniture down there tonight! we can't wait=) daddy is excited for his soft carpeted man-cave and the new recliner we bought him today, and i'm honestly just excited to get the office/guest room furniture out of what will be sweet boy's nursery so i can set up his room! catherine i think you will be so precious helping me. and i'm imagining that i will find you in his room playing with his things or just looking at the sweet baby clothes that you always ask to try on;) you're little, but you're still a 4 year old and way too big to fit into a 6 month old onesie=)

i love you sweet angel. and i love you too littlest angel growing in my belly. i'm so thankful i get to be mommy to you two and daddy and i get giddy thinking about all these precious people that make up our family=)