you are coming home thursday=) i couldn't think of an appropriate lead-in to something that is such a big deal, so i just wrote it. but you can't even imagine how my stomach feels (butterflies and flip-flopping) as i think about it! this is our second night staying with you in the hospital. they have you sleep with us in a big private bedroom so we can practice taking care of you by ourselves with all your bells and whistles. you're pretty complicated, my sweet=) making mommy and daddy smarter and smarter by the day. so last night was kinda funny-you slept all night but your ventilator alarms went off literally every 5 or 10 minutes. the alarms were set to be super sensitive so even when you would stretch or cough for a split second it would start beeping at us. and you would sleep through it all. =) we, however, did not! no big deal-the alarm settings got changed today so hopefully tonight all 3 of us will get more sleep.
daddy and i have both changed your trach by ourselves now. no fun for any of us! we have to remind ourselves how we really are helping you or we wouldn't be able to do it. everyone says it will become second nature soon. i can't wait for that-hopefully it will get easier for you too. you're hilarious when it comes to breastfeeding. completely hit or miss. sunday you breastfed like a champion again. then for 3 days you wouldn't at all, then on thursday you randomly started wanting to again...point being i can't figure out any rhyme or reason to it. maybe you just are showing us who's the boss=) i stress out a lot less about it now-we get to take you home with an NG tube so i'll be able to feed you one way or another. so many people keep telling us how babies do so much better once they get home, so i'm just hoping that includes how you eat. you are helping me learn to be patient, sweet girl=)
so yesterday was much fun with you in our room. you and i laid on the bed and read books-our favorite right now is called Gossie and it's about a gosling who wears bright red boots. we've been reading it to you for about a month now and it's the coolest thing to see how you've changed-when we first got it you might would look at the book or you might not, you'd usually get distracted by your mobile with the monkey and frog and bird (they remain your favorite toys), but now you'll actually look at the pictures while i'm reading the words on the pages. you're growing up sweet one=) then you were falling asleep and i snuggled with you and scooched my head up next to yours and smushed your forehead in my cheek. i had one of those super dramatic revelation-type moments looking at you and thinking about how you are me and daddy put into a little person. how you were the little sweet thing moving around in my belly-did i ever tell you how when i was pregnant i would count your hiccups when i was trying to go to sleep at night? i looked back at the 3D ultrasound pictures and found the profile one that looked just like your daddy. i tried to see if you looked like that now. i didn't really decide if you do or not, but i think i was just realizing the magnitude of the whole journey we've been on. i know it's not even close to being over, but you're about to be home. i can't believe we get to have you there. maybe i haven't been able to really comprehend that you are ours, but bringing you home i think will probably help make it feel more true. this is what i'm looking forward to the most right now: saturday we are going to put you in your little baby swing in the living room and let you watch us decorate the christmas tree. i think you'll love it because here in the hospital you're always turning your head to see the monitor screens where the bright lights are. we have a huge window that looks out over our front yard and street-there are big trees that make a canopy over the road and i love it. and i can't wait to hold you up next to the window and let you see what outside looks like. you are so cute with new things. we put you in a baby bathtub last week and you were so funny. the first few seconds you were in the water your eyes and mouth opened really wide, and then you realized it was ok and you might even like it, and you settled in and kicked your feet around in the water. it's the most fun to watch my sweet girl discovering her world.
are you ready for this next step? i think i am. i'm so excited, but appropriately terrified i think. a healthy fear, i like to call it=) i am so proud to be your mommy. even though we'll be lugging around so much equipment to make the smallest errands, i can't wait to pack everything up just to go 2 miles down the road to your pediatrician's office. they've been waiting to meet you, and i can't wait to show you off. i love you sweet girl. i just looked over at your crib and saw you sleeping on your side with your yellow and white duck outfit on. and your ever-faithful mr monkey smiling as he hangs from the mobile above your feet. you will miss those guys, won't you?? =) i'll make sure to take lots of pictures of you with him.
this is you reaching for mr monkey=)
your first big-girl bath=)