you are here=)

catherine-

hi precious girl=) i'm sitting here crying as i write to you because you are in the next room doing more than we could have ever expected. it hasn't been easy for you to get here, and your little fight isn't over sweet girl. but our hearts are happy today=)

you opened your sweet little eyes for us! today was the first time we saw them, and your daddy and i are both so giddy excited we don't know what to do with ourselves. we just want to stand there staring at you, holding your little hand or cupping your head to see if you'll wake up just a tiny bit for us to get another peek=) your daddy actually does that every second he's beside you-touches your leg or arm or head-you usually will wiggle back at him or give a tiny squeeze on his finger and he loves it. they actually had to give you more "calming" medicine yesterday after he left because he got you so riled up=) he loves you so much catherine-it's the most amazing thing to watch. we are convinced you just like it when he holds your hand and that's why you start moving around-that you remember him from when he would touch your little leg when you were in my tummy, and you would always move around then too. either way, we want to keep you nice and comfy now that you're out, but we can't help ourselves sometimes and just want to give you lots of kisses and see you respond to us...you are our hearts' delight my sweet girl=)

so daddy told you a little about how you came into this world, but i wanted to give you my version as well. do you remember that last letter i wrote to you? that was around 5 in the morning last tuesday, and i had been having contractions since 1:30am. at 6:30 or so your daddy woke up and realized i hadn't been sleeping-we weren't too worried at that point. we decided to go get him breakfast at chick-fil-a and get a body pillow for me at target-that's something i wanted for the hospital. it's a very cute pillow-pink polka dots and everything-you would like it i think=) we thought about calling the doctor after that but tried to lay down instead. i was able to take little naps between contractions, and then we went to pick up your silly auntie shelly from the airport at 12 that day. i remember having to stop and sit down during contractions while i was walking into the airport to get her-it makes me laugh now looking back at it. what was i thinking?? i've decided i was completely in denial that day because i was so scared to bring you into this world-not knowing what would happen and how you would do (and my contractions were never regular-that's my other excuse;))...anyway-your daddy and shelly and i went home and turned on movies-again i took little 6-15 minute naps between contractions until about 6pm and daddy convinced me that dr lucas really should at least know what's going on. i called him and he said that he agreed with me-it sounded like it was early labor and probably i could just meet him at the hospital, get some medicine to help me sleep, and then go home. (he later told me that i was one of the few people who have ever fooled him...) well we got there around 7:30pm and the unit was so busy!! they finally were able to check and see if i was dilated at a little after 9pm, and dr lucas had the strangest look on his face...and then he said "katie-you're 8 1/2"..................all those dots represent the madness going through my head over the next few seconds-kristen my sweet nurse honestly didn't believe him. she kept saying "dr lucas-that's not funny! what are you doing!" well he was serious my girl. you came about an hour later at 10:18 that night and it was the most amazing experience. you came out and gave your attempt at a little cry and then the nicu team took over-they intubated you and were able to successfully give you breaths-that means your lungs weren't totally hypoplastic and there was a bit of hope for you my love=) they put you in my arms for a second and let me kiss you, then took you to the nicu to figure out just how much help you might need. our friends and family got here all within a couple hours of your birth-God was very sweet with that my girl-our family wasn't supposed to arrive until the next day but many of them (without knowing i was in labor) got on a plane a day early and were able to see you being taken down the hall after delivery=) i remember being surprised that i felt so happy and peaceful after you were born and they had taken you to the nicu-i don't even know what else to say about that but i think Jesus was just giving us a little gift of celebration with our friends and family. daddy and i went to see you that night and you were unbelievably gorgeous (and you've gotten only more gorgeous each day since then my little beauty=)). to speed the story up a bit, you did great for about 12-14 hours. we went to see you in the nicu-let our friends and family see you a little, and then around noon on the 20th they discovered you might have a little problem in your heart too-it's called a coarctation of the aorta, and basically that means that your big vessel that takes blood to the lower part of your body is super skinny. that, combined with the potential for you needing ecmo, got you a trip to UVA for more specialized treatment. it was a good decision my sweet one because your status just kept deteriorating all afternoon-your oxygen saturations kept decreasing and it became pretty clear you would need ecmo as soon as you got to uva. i waited till the transport team got there, watched them take you out of that nicu, then daddy and i got on our way to charlottesville to meet you. we got a phone call around 2am that night getting permission to start ecmo, and off you went on that. over the next few days daddy and i spent the night at a hotel next door to the hospital-it was a very scary but sweet time-we got to hang out with each other in the morning and at night-and we would always talk about what the scariest part of the day was and what we were most thankful for that day. i found that hope is a scary thing for me my girl. not that we were surprised by that-i think we discovered that while you were still in my belly, but it's all the more intensified now that you're out in the world.

that was our routine for 3 nights, then came the night we were to go home and just drive an hour and a half to see you in the morning. that was not fun for me my sweet girl. i didn't want to leave you. i couldn't imagine being that far away from you and it taking so long to get here if you needed us. but we made it, and after a couple nights of that, we get to today. they trialed you off of ecmo today=) that means they just give it a trial run and see if your body can oxygenate itself with only the ventilator...you did great=) i got to stand there beside you the whole time and "cheer you on" as the nurses were saying=) you were so peaceful and wonderful during the whole time-just holding your own and giving them all the numbers they wanted-your nurses keep calling you things like "pistol" and "soldier"-you are definitely a fighter my little girl and i'm so proud of you. i stand there staring at you unable to understand what all's going on. how are you really here??? it's more than we ever imagined and we have fallen madly in love with you=)

so their plan is to test a few more things tonight, and take you completely off ecmo in the morning. what! i can't even believe it as i type it=) then surgery would probably be a week later for your diaphragm and then a few weeks after that for your sweet little aorta. lots of things are playing into this plan, and i honestly can't even keep up with it sweet baby-but i'm so thankful we're where we are and i can only trust that you are in good hands-that God is holding you near as always and breathing His life into you. we were listening to praise and worship music this morning driving to charlottesville and i realized that when i closed my eyes to sing all i saw was your sweet little form on your hospital bed-like i'm seeing Jesus when i look at you and i'm so proud of you for that-and thankful to Him...i have no idea what He's doing-but it is good and i am blown away by it all. part of me was singing to God when i would sing along, and then another part of me felt like i was singing for you-that you are praising Him and glorifying Him with everything that you are doing right now-i don't understand all of this my dear but it was a great experience there in the car and i liked it=)

you know what's funny? i'm starting to love the "hospital smell" because it is your smell right now. when i lean down to kiss what has become my favorite little knee in all the world, i smell that smell=) and when i'm home and using the breast pump to prepare food for you to eat one day-i smell that smell then too=) yesterday they gave us a blanket that had been in your bed for a couple days-it doesn't quite have that smell but i just want to rub my face all in it=) you are the most precious thing and we love you more than i know how to explain. your daddy is getting antsy because he wants to go see you again, so i'll wrap this up and go join him=)

keep fighting my sweet girl=)

mommy