Friday, October 10, 2008

......

catherine-

hi sweet baby. this has not been your best week. they found out you became septic, and that's what caused you to quit breathing. you were just so sick. sepsis means you have an infection in your blood. yours specifically liked to eat up your platelets and basically just made you feel so horrible that you decided you didn't feel like breathing anymore. the sepsis pretty quickly responded to antibiotics, especially now that they know what exact organism was growing in there and they've picked an even better antibiotic to fight it. they have been weaning you on your ventilator for the past few days and planned to extubate you today. you were actually looking like you really wanted it out-playing with it with your tongue and pulling at the tape (probably on accident) all the time. but when they took it out this morning you started working really really hard to breathe and no matter what they tried, they couldn't calm you down. therefore, they put you back on the ventilator. your x-ray this morning actually looked pretty good, so i'm not sure what exactly is making you need the ventilator so bad. but you do need it. they'll try again maybe next week...

we talked to the doctor a couple days ago about the possibilities for you. he said that once you got back on cpap, if you still needed that pressure for your lungs after another month or so they would seriously consider giving you a tracheotomy and sending you home with that for a while (a while=6 months or a year or 18 months-whatever you need). this means that they would put a little hole through your neck into your trachea and deliver the cpap through that. i hate imagining this for you. it's so scary. daddy says you'll want us to try as hard as we can to keep this from happening because you might hate the big scar it would leave on your neck when you're older=) but we know that if that's what's best for you, we'll all be thankful we did it one day, including you-scar and all=) the doctor said that's definitely not a decision they're making right now, but he just wanted us to know there was a fairly strong chance you might need it. he said the reason for it was because once babies get to a certain age, they need more developmental stimulation that they just can't get in the hospital. if they can send you home with a trach, you'll get the positive pressure you need but also be able to grow and learn like a normal sweet baby would. it's just terrifying to think of taking you home with one of those. we hate imagining you having a hole cut in your throat. we are so sad you might have to have this. we're still praying it doesn't happen=)

so.....all of this said.....i'm finally getting angry with God. remember how mommy talked to you about that earlier? how i was afraid to be mad at Him? i hate every second of it, but i am mad at Him. i also know it makes no sense to be mad at Him, but that's how i feel. i just don't understand at all why this is happening the way it is. but i also know i should be (and am) so thankful for having you at all. i know i've always said i'm typically ok with not understanding why He does things, but looking at you and imagining how miserable you are makes this a whole different ball game. why do you have to go through this? i hate it. i am so sad for you. i also think i'm just really anxious and impatient for you to come home because mommy has to go back to work full time in november. i can't imagine not getting to see you every day. it seems like that shouldn't even be an option-going back to work full time and not seeing you, but mommy and daddy don't know what else to do. so that probably is making it worse-me getting mad at God for not speeding up your recovery. i know He's still good, and i tell Him so. i tell Him i know He loves us so much and i know He isn't neglecting us or choosing to harm us. i tell Him i love Him and i thank Him so much for you and the miracle of your little life so far. but i also tell Him that i'm mad at Him. it's a little bit therapeutic to be able to talk to Him about that. He's very sweet the way He stays constant through all of my ranting at Him. i'm so thankful He's still there and always will be. i'm so thankful He's holding you the way He is. i know in my head that He's doing that-holding you close, but i just don't feel it and i can't see it tangibly, so my heart feels cold a little bit when it comes to Him. but even writing this is helping mommy a little bit. i thank Him for listening to me. and i thank you too=) i love you sweet baby-we are right by your side.

mommy

ps-mommy and daddy's car got broken into last night-i kind of tell you this because it makes us laugh a little bit. there's a huge cinder block with glass shattered everywhere across our front seat. i should take a picture and show you one day=)

37 comments:

The Ballard's said...

Catherine is in my thoughts and prayers. Your story touches me every time I read a new entry. This quote has always helped me put life in perspective when I get down and don't trust Him and have so many doubts and fears.
"He never promised that the cross would not get heavy and the hill would not be hard to climb.He never offered our victories without fighting but He said help would always come in time.
Just remember when your standing in the valley of decision and the adversary says give in. Just hold on, our Lord will show up
and He will take you through the fire again."

drmctrsltsl said...

Katie, Donnie, and sweet baby girl,

Katie, I know what it's like to mad at Him, I have been there and I truly believe He understands and forgives all. Just remeember to love and stay strong and even if Catherine needs the trach, remember that that is what she needs to come home. I have many scares from my CP surgeries etc, and if Catherine has even one teach her later to love it as there is what kept her her. I love you all more than I can explain. Katie, keep talking to Him, He will hear you.

Emilie Smith said...

Hey Katie! What a hard week. This just reminds me of Jesus dying for us, for Catherine, on the cross. I know that he is ok with you being mad at him. And, that every time you talk to him he is glad...no matter what it is about. I don't think he cares if you bang your fists on his chest because you are still near him. I hate that you are having to go through all this and that Catherine's little body has to go through this. But, I know it will be worth it. I can't wait for her to read her story one day. love you, em

kemie said...

Go ahead and rant and rave! God understands and He can take it. I remember being SO ANGRY with God when David was diagnosed with cancer. It just wasn't fair! I screamed and I probably said some bad words, too. But my dad assured me that there was nothing I could do that would shock God or make Him love me any less. So, spent, I just crawled back up into God's lap. It's safe, warm and comforting that near to God's heart. Catherine is God's baby and He loves her even more than you possibly could. Can you even believe that???

Deb said...

Katie,
I'm sorry for this setback for you guys! I'm sorry that Catherine has to go through this. None of it is fair. It's ok to be angry with God and other commenters are right, he can take it. Just know that your burdens are being shared by so many. I know that you can't always see it,but I hope that you can feel it. One day, when Catherine is a teenager and she is angry with you, you will understand just how much anger a parent can handle. That's not to say there won't be tears and angry words, but love does conquer all. If we as parents can feel that way, how much more love does our heavenly father have for us! Be blessed, and yell if you have to!

Heather said...

I am so sorry about the setbacks. Your beautiful little girl is in my thoughts and prayers each day.

I know how it feels to be mad at God and I know that he knows and it is okay.

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

You know what.. maybe that scar is going to be Catherine's badge of honor? Maybe people are going to ask her what it's from and she's going to explain how she wasn't expected to even make it past birth but she DID and God walked with her and held her and HEALED her and made her who she is today?? Maybe people will look at her and say "I never would have guessed!!!" Maybe they'll see the light of God in her and want what she has......

elizabethstwins said...

Just want to encourage you from tennessee....our Joseph has many scars! Chest tubes, thoracatomy, and feeding tubes scars..but check out the blog with his pictures today! We also brought him home with a feeding tube in his precious belly-- and it was so hard for me to bring mt little baby home like that...it made me feel defeated, and like he wasnt healed. BUT he was and is healed! God healed him in a way I did not plan....but today at 16 months old he is has only the scars to show of his 2 months NICU and then 2 months of feeding tubes. I still dont like the scars on his tummy-- but what a great reminder to me as his Mommy of the miracle of his life....one day his Daddy says he will think their "tough." I too was supposed to return to work before Joseph even came home..it is heaartbreaking. The Lord worked it out...and I stayed home with the boys until Joseph had his feeding tube removed. I still wonder "why" it all happened to us, even after Joseph is completely healed....I still get tearful of the thoughts of the vent, and question so many nights that we simply endured....but today I am thankful for his life. He has a testimony, that even his identical twin-Johnathan doesnt share. God is good- and please know that everything you feel and say is normal...I did the same. But God is good, all the time. Praying for you.

Sharon - Mom Generations said...

I think it was Mark Twain who wrote something like, "When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear."

He would not have given us the emotion or the words if He didn't know we would need them. Your painful honestly is a release of so much suffering...

Your anger towards Him is a release of your fear and an acknowledgment of your respect... and the hope of a perfect tomorrow. He understands.

We all do. Please kiss your beautiful Catherine for each of us and whisper the prayers of legions of loving people out here...

Our Life said...

I am so very sorry about this setback with Baby Catherine. Bless her little precious heart. I know it is so hard for you all and it is only natural to wonder "why" and get mad God understands. He knows that we only see a little part of the "Big Picture" Keep the faith and know our thoughts and prayers are with you!

Posh Mama said...

Thank you for sharing all that with us. We continue to pray for you and your sweet Catherine.
God is so much bigger than anything we throw at Him!
And so sorry to hear about your car! At least you can laugh about it :p

Brian said...

Katie~
When our son was born with his serious congenital heart defect, I was made too. When I think about the road ahead for him and all that he is going to have to go through just to breath and live a life that doctors can not guarantee will be long, it make me very mad at God. But i have to hold on to the fact that He does not give us more than we can handle!! Just know that Brian and i are praying for you and your family every night!! I do not totally understand what all you are going through but having a sick child is not easy and i do understand that!! We are here for you guys!! Thank you for sharing with everyone on your blog. God does understand!! I get made at Him too, but His love and devotion will always be there.

Heather Warwick

Erin said...

Okay here is the crashing moment. I am so sorry about Catherine's set back. I am also sorry about your car.

I do know that it is okay to be angry with God, and good for you for admitting it! After all, He knows your heart already!

I am praying for you, your baby, your hubby and all that stuff. Love you, sweet friend.

Tiffany said...

Katie, I am so sorry to hear about Catherine. I praying that she will pull through all of this and that she will soon be at home. Even with a trach she will be with mommy and daddy and that will help her so much. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and hope all with work out soon.

Laura said...

Oh Katie. I think that you have been incredible at not being mad this long. And it is okay that you are mad. God is our father and we all get mad at our fathers sometimes. He understands. That is what makes him the best father to have.

Catherine is so sweet and so special. There are so many people who are touched everyday by her life and by you and Donnie. There are so many people who have never seen that little girl who love her very much and want everything to work out for her the best it possibly can.

We will continue to pray for all of you.

Jane - Mom Generations said...

I am thinking of Catherine and saying so many prayers for her. She is on my mind and in my heart. You all are.
xo,
Audrey
Mom Generations

Steph at Problem Solvin' Mom said...

We are praying for you, pulling for you, cheering you on, sweet Catherine, and for your mommy and daddy.

Blessings,
Steph

Jenna said...

Katie and Donnie-

I wanted to tell you Catherine is a beautiful baby girl! I will be thinking of you all and praying for a quick recovery and that she gets to come home soon!!!

Debbie said...

I suppose we are not meant to understand why things happen the way they do - only He knows that answer but it does not make it any easier for us.

It is true that He does not put on our shoulders anymore than we can bear. At the time, it is so difficult to understand, but it is so true. You are both pillars of strength for what you have endured and you will continue.

Thank you for sharing your little one with us......we love her.

Debbie in Decatur

Nancy said...

Katie, I have been following your blog for a few weeks now, and just wanted you to know that I am praying for your family and especially baby Catherine. I have never had to face the decisions that you are facing now. My boys were all born relatively healthy, but as a mother, my heart goes out to you for the suffering of watching your little girl struggle to breathe. Please know that you are on my mind and in my prayers daily.

Nancy

Casey said...

Dear Catherine,

What a beautiful little girl you are! You are in my thoughts, and you are in my prayers!

Please tell mommy that it is okay to be mad with God. God understands mommy's heart and God understands mommy's anger. Tell mommy she can tell God how she feels, because He is always listening to us. He loves it when we talk with him, whether we're mad, happy, or sad. He is our ultimate Daddy, and He loves having a relationship with us! God loves you and mommy sooo much! You are both so beautiful!

I will be praying for you little one! Take care of mommy and please make her smile for me :)

Erica Greene
(Chapin in High School)

Andrea @ Mommy Snacks said...

I just found your blog through Audrey of Mom Generations, and my heart is breaking for you. It is OK to get upset, it's OK to question God, it's OK to be human -He created us in His image to have all of these emotions!

Several months ago, I was having a hard time understanding why God would allow innocent babes go through such pain and suffering. I was encouraged by a bible study and this this scripture:

Deuteronomy 29:29: "The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law."

As you know though, He has plans for you. You, your hubby, and Catherine already have an amazing testimony to share! His grace is enough! I will be praying for this story and this storm for your family!

cami said...

Catherine! Keep fighting, little sister! You are a trooper- and I am SO proud of you!

K&D- Love. Love. Love. and praying :)

hannah and tony said...

Still praying so hard for ya'll and this bump in the road. I am encouraged that now the doctors are able to treat the reason you stopped breathing sweet Catherine. I pray God will touch your little lungs and heal them and make them stronger than ever! I am also praying for the possibility of a trach. That is a scary thing to face I am sure, but our loving God is in control and won't let anything happen that isn't supposed to happen.

I love you all so!
Hannah

on another note, seriously? your car?! that fumes me beyond words. i wish i could find that jerk and give him a piece of my mind....grrrrr.....

Katie-Katie-Married-Lady said...

Hey guys--We're so proud of y'all! The two of you are so strong and such fighters! Catherine gets that from you! We're praying!

Sophia said...

I have been following your blog and am praying for precious wee Catherine. May God's light and grace keep you going through the tough days. I pray for many better days ahead!! Sophia, from Scotland. xx

krista said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
krista said...

Oh Katie! My heart goes out to you, Donnie and sweet Catherine as you all have had such a difficult week! Your car being broken into on top of Catherine needing the ventilator again, being septic and the discussion of a trach! Seriously?! I think that it is perfectly ok for you to be mad at God and freely express this with Him. He understands and continues to stay by your side no matter what. Thinking of and praying for you always...

Kathy Davis said...

Oh Dearest Katie, Donnie & Catherine: I am so very sorry that it has been such a difficult week for you all. This is not what you or any of us that love you and your little sweet one wanted to hear. Still, I know your faith is strong, Catherine is strong, and with so many prayers being sent up on yours and Catherine's behalf, surely God will hear those prayers and give you all the strength to fight on with spirit, love, and continued trust. He is always there, holding your right hand, holding Catherine's right hand, and loving you all completely. With His Grace and the knowledge He has bestowed on the doctors, surely Catherine will again take leaps forward. For sure, she is not a quitter and that smile will be back soon. This I pray for you all. With love ~ Aunt Kathy, Jincey and Mitchell

P.S. Sorry about the car but I guess that just seems like a minor inconvenience and your priorities don't even let you dwell on it. That's what makes you so special

Teri from CMC NICU said...

Hi Katie, ian so sorry to hear about your rough week. Babies are resilient and I know Miss Catherine can and will bounce back-just like you! That's also the wonderful thing about faith and God. Everyone gets mad at some point in our lives at God, but we are able to trust Him, Love Him, and believe in Him and know he has a plan for us. He understands. No matter what the future holds for sweet beautiful Catherine, you are an amazing woman and mom and can handle anything. (you work at chipp l&d-you definitely can handle anything =))Please stay strong and know you, Catherine and Donnie are loved lots and lifted up in prayer more. Take care.
Love Teri---P.S. I feel the same way as an earlier post regarding your "breakin"--GGGRRRRR.....

Wilma said...

Katie, Donnie and Catherine,
Just want to remind you that we at CPC like so many others are praying for you all daily. We all get mad at God at times but as others have said, he understands. In some of the pictures you have posted, Catherine's facial expressions have indicated she is a determined little girl. I am sure she is fighting as hard as she can to get home to you.

Mary Ann said...

Dear Katie and Donnie,

Your beautiful little daughter has made a huge impact on the lives of so many of us! She has only been with us for a few weeks and it is amazing the feeling of love and giving she has created.

You are both brave and beautiful and -- I thank you so much for your sharing your precious daughter with us.

Prayers and happy thoughts for Catherine and you.

Allison said...

Found your blog from my friend's friend's blog....

Just wanted to let you know that you have one more person praying for you and your family during this time.

Lisa said...

Sweet Catherine... never giving up! Such a strong little one.
Katie, so sorry about the car. I can only imagine that is just one more thing to deal with... more one thing I'm sure you don't have time to worry about. Hang in there. Totally understandable to be mad at God. Honestly I think i would wonder if you weren't. God can take it and He WILL be there when you need him whether you like Him or not.

Writeaway said...

Katie - I don't think there is a true believer out there who hasn't been mad at God. He can take it. In fact, He understands. Even when we don't.I can tell you that I had a 13 month period where my father died suddenly (dropped dead at only age 59), my first twin died in the uterus and the second twin died the next month in surgery. I sat before the Lord and literally said, "God, I have nothing to say to you." I just cried and grieved and shook my fist. And to be honest, it took me a long time to get over it. But I did. And God was loving and patient on the journey back to trusting Him and loving Him with full confidence.

Chavonne said...

We are hoping that she won't have to have the trach! As always, you are in our thoughts.

Fer said...

Catherine is in my prayers. I totally understand what it is like to be mad at God, and yo know what? It's ok to be mad at him. I guess it's part of the process. I have you in my prayers as well.