Saturday, February 21, 2009

thankful

hi baby...

tonight i've been looking at blogs of mama's and daddy's who have lost their sweet babies. this may be a weird letter, but i've been thinking about some things on and off for several months and these blogs made me want to tell you about them now. it won't take very long=) i have been thinking about how, before you were born, i had prepared myself as much as possible to lose you. i was expecting you to go be with Jesus just as soon as you arrived. this sounds like an oxymoron just typing it, but i was "ok" with that. what? no, not ok with it. that's crazy to even say. but that seemed to be reality, and i was as ready as i could be to face it.

and now you're here. and you've been here for 6 months. and it looks like you will stay. we are so lucky. i'm wanting to bust out crying just thinking about it. now that you're here and we know you and you and me and daddy are best friends-i can't even imagine what it would be like if you hadn't lived. ok yes now i'm crying. i couldn't hold it in i guess. just to think about what if we hadn't gotten to know you? sometimes it's hard for me to look at old pictures when you were so sick and swollen or even read old letters to you when we weren't sure how you were gonna do. you are the most precious gift and your smile brightens everything and walking into a room and seeing your sweet legs kicking up in the air represents to me hope fulfilled and faith and joy and it makes me imagine Jesus with a sweet smile on His face watching us play together from heaven...mommy is being gushy and dramatic but i think it's fairly appropriate. i had also been thinking about how for the first 4 months of your life it was normal for you to be in a hospital bed and for daddy and me to leave you every night and go sleep somewhere else. and once we had you home i would think every now and then about how hard i thought it would be to see you back in a hospital. and i was right-it was really hard sweet baby. did i tell you that when we brought you to the hospital a couple weeks ago it took them 10 tries to get an iv in you?? finally they got a nicu nurse to come down and she got one in your head. i'm not faulting them-i think you just have difficult veins. they always had a hard time at uva too, but they usually went for your scalp veins sooner than they did this time. you were so mad about it. that makes sense. it was so hard to watch that, but then i think about how i held you twice while you had lumbar punctures (spinal taps) done and for you to be extubated one time and who knows how many other iv sticks...i guess it just became different once we got you home from the nicu and it really felt like you were ours and you somewhat resembled a "normal" baby. i'm so sad you had to go through all that. and i'm so happy you won't remember any of it=)

and i also think sometimes about something much more fun. why did God let us keep you? i get a little overwhelmed when i think about that. i wonder what we did to deserve that but then realize that's not a legitimate question. we didn't deserve to keep you. it's just the greatest gift that for whatever reason, God decided to give us. and we will never understand why. that makes me cry a little too. i just can't believe we are so lucky. and then there are all these other poor mommies and daddies who didn't get to keep their sweet babies and they no more "deserved" that than anybody else...but for whatever reason their story consists of Jesus taking their sweet ones straight Home. and that is absolutely miraculous in its own way. sweet copeland and poppy and isaac and asher...and so many others whose stories are less well known. precious little ones who get to know Jesus in such an intimate way so much sooner than the rest of us. lucky little things. but oh how sad it is for their parents and the people left here on earth who love them. what a beautiful day it will be when they are reunited in heaven=)

i love you baby. thanks for listening to mommy ramble a little. i want you to know my heart and i think you might be interested one day=) i am so glad you are mine.

mommy

12 comments:

Erin said...

Praise God!

AtlantaMama said...

tear jerker...

God is So Good!

Kristy said...

I read all those blogs long before Miss Catherine was born and I still keep up with them!

Thanks for sharing your heart. Catherine will most definitely appreciate it! :)

Fer said...

This was a very sweet letter... I have tears in my eyes.

DrmCtrsLtSl said...

How sweet it is to let little Catherine know your whole heart.

It's ok to question, just know He may not always answer.

I love you guys.

The Madsens said...

Katie, I was just thinking the other day how you must feel knowing that Catherine is now 6 months old and is doing so well given her circumstances. I hold a very high level of respect for you to be able to open your heart to the (blogging) world and share your raw feelings with us. Keep posting those precious pictures of baby girl, we love them. I tell Mackenzie about your family everytime I visit your blog. She's usually sitting in my lap and I take her hand and run it over your pictures and tell her that if you guys lived here, she would be love to meet Catherine.

Deb said...

Hi Katie,

I'm so happy to hear that things are going well for you guys! I think about you often and send good thoughts and prayers your way!
You are such a good mom and Catherine will appreciate these letters you write for her. My girls all want to know EVERYTHING about their childhood. With five teenagers/young adults in the family, I'm lucky to remember MY name!! Take care!

twinsplusone said...

check out our blog-- i gave a brief intro earlier on your post-- but we have had a link to your blog since Catherine was in the hospital

Sharon - Mom Generations said...

Your love of humanity glows through you and your precious Catherine... as you give time and love in your very busy days and nights to pray for and think of the mommies and daddies who had to say good-bye to their little ones and see them in the hands and arms of Jesus. My very best friend saw her beautiful granddaughter leave this world on the day she was born... from a rare blood disorder... and the pain is unbearable. Little Caroline was born June 14, 2008 and taken into the arms of our Lord. Now my friend's daughter is expecting again... and this blood disorder has returned for this baby, too. Many specialists are working hard to sustain this little one's life while tucked safely inside... and we're all fervently praying for a July miracle. I know miracles do happen. Catherine is one. She and you give me great strength each day... in thinking of you and reading your posts. I want you to know how far-reaching and powerful you are to many, many who read you... and who find comfort in your faith and loveliness... always.

ilse sears said...

I am so glad that I know you, Katy, and that I have had the honor to read your beautiful words written from the heart to beautiful and "little hero" Catherine. You know, it is this experience you and Donnie are having to live that has taught me so very much about life. My sister Gloria lost her only son, Rafita. She had three girls and the youngest, Rafa, died in a car accident three years ago. It is a pain that never goes away. She has experienced that. My brother lost Robertito, my nephew who had cerebral palsy and you met when you were younger. I have never experienced such a loss and you and Donnie were so near to experiencing that sorrow. Catherine, you and Donnie have added so much to my life. Your beautiful words are stamped in my heart and I carry them as special gifts. Love ya! Aunt Spanish

Liz Rich said...

Katie...I felt like I was reading a letter I had written just 6 months ago (my son is now 16 mos and a CDH survivor). Instead of putting it here in the comments, I would like to share something with via email if you are interested. That sounds so shady--but it wasn't supposed to...anyway, I live in Birmingham and I am friends with Shireen...so now I'm not some random stranger...anyway,if you want to email me-- lizsrich@gmail.com

Karen said...

God is good! And Catherine is here for a reason. She is so lucky to have wonderful parents who feel one with God and anything that must be endured. Hugs!!