thankful

hi baby...

tonight i've been looking at blogs of mama's and daddy's who have lost their sweet babies. this may be a weird letter, but i've been thinking about some things on and off for several months and these blogs made me want to tell you about them now. it won't take very long=) i have been thinking about how, before you were born, i had prepared myself as much as possible to lose you. i was expecting you to go be with Jesus just as soon as you arrived. this sounds like an oxymoron just typing it, but i was "ok" with that. what? no, not ok with it. that's crazy to even say. but that seemed to be reality, and i was as ready as i could be to face it.

and now you're here. and you've been here for 6 months. and it looks like you will stay. we are so lucky. i'm wanting to bust out crying just thinking about it. now that you're here and we know you and you and me and daddy are best friends-i can't even imagine what it would be like if you hadn't lived. ok yes now i'm crying. i couldn't hold it in i guess. just to think about what if we hadn't gotten to know you? sometimes it's hard for me to look at old pictures when you were so sick and swollen or even read old letters to you when we weren't sure how you were gonna do. you are the most precious gift and your smile brightens everything and walking into a room and seeing your sweet legs kicking up in the air represents to me hope fulfilled and faith and joy and it makes me imagine Jesus with a sweet smile on His face watching us play together from heaven...mommy is being gushy and dramatic but i think it's fairly appropriate. i had also been thinking about how for the first 4 months of your life it was normal for you to be in a hospital bed and for daddy and me to leave you every night and go sleep somewhere else. and once we had you home i would think every now and then about how hard i thought it would be to see you back in a hospital. and i was right-it was really hard sweet baby. did i tell you that when we brought you to the hospital a couple weeks ago it took them 10 tries to get an iv in you?? finally they got a nicu nurse to come down and she got one in your head. i'm not faulting them-i think you just have difficult veins. they always had a hard time at uva too, but they usually went for your scalp veins sooner than they did this time. you were so mad about it. that makes sense. it was so hard to watch that, but then i think about how i held you twice while you had lumbar punctures (spinal taps) done and for you to be extubated one time and who knows how many other iv sticks...i guess it just became different once we got you home from the nicu and it really felt like you were ours and you somewhat resembled a "normal" baby. i'm so sad you had to go through all that. and i'm so happy you won't remember any of it=)

and i also think sometimes about something much more fun. why did God let us keep you? i get a little overwhelmed when i think about that. i wonder what we did to deserve that but then realize that's not a legitimate question. we didn't deserve to keep you. it's just the greatest gift that for whatever reason, God decided to give us. and we will never understand why. that makes me cry a little too. i just can't believe we are so lucky. and then there are all these other poor mommies and daddies who didn't get to keep their sweet babies and they no more "deserved" that than anybody else...but for whatever reason their story consists of Jesus taking their sweet ones straight Home. and that is absolutely miraculous in its own way. sweet copeland and poppy and isaac and asher...and so many others whose stories are less well known. precious little ones who get to know Jesus in such an intimate way so much sooner than the rest of us. lucky little things. but oh how sad it is for their parents and the people left here on earth who love them. what a beautiful day it will be when they are reunited in heaven=)

i love you baby. thanks for listening to mommy ramble a little. i want you to know my heart and i think you might be interested one day=) i am so glad you are mine.

mommy