going back in...

hi lovey=)

you sure are tricky, aren't you? but let's start with the good news. your little left lung popped back open=) dr rodgers today said your chest x-ray looked "pristine". that was great news. so here's the rest...you pooped like a champ two days after surgery, and then not too much since then. we started trying to feed you the tiniest bit of pedialyte but slowly your belly would get distended again and everything we'd give you, along with some stomach juices, would come back up into the little syringe attached to your g-tube. dr rodgers started thinking maybe it's not just that your belly hadn't woken up from surgery, but that something was obstructing the flow through your intestines. you had another upper gi today which basically confirmed his suspicions, and unless another x-ray of your tummy in the morning proves otherwise, you're going back down for surgery at 10:30 tomorrow morning. he'll open up part of the same incision and check out what the problem is, then fix it=) i'm so sorry sweet baby. it'll all be over soon.

and you're still having fevers. today it got up to 103. they've run a bunch of labs to see what the problem is but everything keeps coming back negative. there's the slightest chance that part of your bowel is necrotic (that means that blood for some reason stopped going to that part of the bowel) and it's now dead and needs to be removed, etc, etc, and that would be a much bigger problem. dr rodgers said he'd be "flabergasted" if that was the problem because there is nothing else pointing to that. it's just the only explanation for the fevers that we haven't ruled out.

i get scared at night i think. i start going to these places in my mind that i shouldn't go, but i can't help it i guess. apparently moms do this sort of thing. i kept thinking of this sweet baby who was in the nicu with you who got to go meet jesus last thanksgiving. he had lots and lots of problems, but i remember one of them was that they could never feed him because his gut just wouldn't work and his liver finally started shutting down and it was just a downhill spiral from there. such a sweet baby. with a strong mama who i am so sad for every day. and i know that it might be a little crazy to compare you two and i think anybody taking care of you would assure me otherwise, but i can't help but wonder what if you're headed in that direction. i'm watching you throw off your blanket right now and kinda laughing at myself because you really are pretty healthy, all things considered. but yet again i'll say it: i can't help it. i was talking to your daddy about all these things and he was saying how we just have to trust that God will continue taking care of you like he's always done, and i said "but what if He wants to take her" and he said "well then He can!". and he said that there's nobody else he would trust to have you but that he sure does hope we get to keep you. i love him. and Him. and i do trust Jesus to keep taking care of you. and yet again, i feel a little silly talking about these things but that's that. i do hope He lets us keep being your parents. i think He will. but your sweet daddy is right-there's no better place for you to be than in His arms, whether spiritually or physically. enough of that talk.

so here we are. still no smiles. well, a little one we think for ms maria, one of your respiratory therapists, but that's about it. you were fairly content today when i was reading books to you but if i even try to smile at you you'll start crying=( these are no fun days at all sweet girl. i miss you so much. i can't wait to have my happy laughing baby back.

big day tomorrow. keep being my strong baby=)

love you sweet girl-

mommy

ps-you've started blowing raspberries with your lips. you're doing it right now. we love it.