oops?

hi baby=)

we're not sure if it's an oops or not. if it is, it's not too big of one.

today was trach change day. last sunday we could tell there was still some swelling and we needed to put the new trach in right away. today that was not the case. we left it out for 5-10 seconds and saw that you were doing great. it took you just a second to get used to breathing a different way, but then we started playing with you and you were smiling and laughing and playing back. and we heard your sweet voice. i can't tell you how amazing that was. i'm still not the biggest cryer in the world, but i got little tearies in my eyes every time you would laugh (or cry when we went to put the trach back in) or make your noises. daddy was holding you and i kept saying "do you hear her?" like he might not be hearing you for some reason. of course he heard you. he was soaking up that sweet voice too. we stood there playing with you, you were completely naked, by the way, loving every second of it. it felt for a minute like you were "normal". whatever that means. i was looking at you in the mirror and how your little neck was free and you could move your chin all around. daddy and i wanted so badly to not have to put the trach back in! but we knew we'd get a big slap on the wrist by dr rodgers, not to mention what i guess could happen in a few hours if you weren't really ready to get it out...??? so we went to put the new one in, and it wouldn't fit!!!! the hole had closed up a good bit in just the couple minutes the trach was out! i tried a few times but you were pretty mad at me, and i didn't want to push too hard, fearing it would get swollen again and we'd have the same problem we had 2 weeks ago...so we put the smaller one in. and i know dr rodgers isn't a fan of "down-sizing" his patient's trachs before he takes them out, but i didn't really think we had another choice. i think i secretly (and only kind of) wished we hadn't had a smaller one in the house so we would've had to leave it out. i can't help but worry that when you're in a hospital room with strange people around, you might not do as well as you did today. but daddy brings me back to reality and reminds me that last time you really weren't ready-there was too much swelling in your airway-and this time it should be different. but i'm still trying not to get too excited. which means i just try to be numb and apathetic about the whole thing. you can guess how well that's going...

so if that was an oops, it's not a bad one. you're fine. you're rocking that smaller trach like it's nothing.

i love you. that sweet little voice was the most beautiful music to my ears. i hope i get to hear it every day once wednesday rolls around...sweet girl=)

mommy