almost there...

catherine-

hey my sweet girl=) it is 5:40 in the morning and we have not been to sleep tonight. i can't decide whether this is real labor or those wretched things they call "practice contractions". regardless, this isn't the most fun we've had together, is it? it'll be over soon my love. 2 more days until our induction, unless you have plans to come before that=)

tonight has, however, given me a chance to gather some of my final thoughts for you before you come into this world. i've been thinking for the past month or so about that in particular-bringing you into this world. i don't know whether i'll be birthing you into a life on earth, or into life eternal, but either way i am honored to do so. being your mother has been the most amazing journey, and while i hope with every hope in me that the journey continues, i've learned so much from you being inside me and i know i'll keep learning from this season for years to come. thank you for that, my dear=)

one of the most familiar verses has been giving me comfort lately. it's jeremiah 29:11, and it says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" the part that means the most to me right now is for I know the plans I have for you...i keep reminding myself of that-that God does indeed know what's going to happen on Thursday. He has prepared a way for it, and He did it on purpose, very intentionally, without accident. He will continue taking perfect care of both of us throughout everything that plan entails. you will be ok, much better than ok even, and so will your daddy and i, and everyone who loves you.

our family and friends start arriving today. we are so thankful for how much they love all three of us, and that they want to be here when you are. part of me is looking forward to the distraction of having the people closest to us here-i know it will make the next couple of days go by fast, and the other part of me just wants to slow time down and keep soaking up every bit of time i have left with you in my tummy. regardless of my jumbled thoughts and emotions, you have amazing grandparents, aunts and uncles, and pseudo-aunts coming in to welcome you. you are so loved, and i pray that brings a richness to your little life in some way.

i love you my sweet girl-i will kiss your face soon=)

mommy

regaining peace and perspective

catherine-

hi baby girl=) there have been lots of thoughts floating around in my head the last few weeks (it's becoming pretty normal for me=)) and i wanted to tell you about them. i was talking to a friend a while back and realized that my perspective on you being sick had started to change a little-for the worse. i think it's understandable and human for this to happen, but i want so badly to maintain a Godly perspective on all of this-i honestly don't know how else to deal with it my sweet girl! every now and then, especially here toward the end, i'll start feeling hopeful and then realize how i'm thinking and get so scared, trying to balance hope with medical reality. knowing God can and sometimes does perform miracles, but recognizing that might not be what He has in store this time....and that's ok. i want so badly to continue with the mindset and prayer for God to do absolutely whatever brings Him the most glory. as much as i want to keep you, and as heartbreaking as it is to think of watching you take your last little breath, i feel unbelievably honored that He would choose you to be a part of whatever He has in store-whether that's in your life or in your death. in church sunday i read my very favorite verse over again and it helped me regain that perspective a little. here is the verse:

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

~Ephesians 3:16-21

i do pray these things for you my sweet girl. i pray more than anything that you would indeed grasp how wide and long and high and deep Christ's love is for YOU-how he delights in you-and if He were to give you a long life here on earth i pray that you would experience the ability that has to transform a person into reckless abandon toward Jesus. i pray that you would be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God-everything He is and all He has to offer you. if you can truly grasp that, you can't help but fall madly in love with Him and be changed by it my precious little one. it's just not possible to stay the same. i like the part about Him being able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, because it seems like i don't even know what to pray while we're walking through this journey with you-i pray what's on my heart for sure, but i can't even begin to imagine what He might be doing in all of this-and that brings peace to my heart-that no matter what i'm praying, He has an unconditionally wonderful plan for you and for us-and that doesn't change whether i understand it or not. do you know what else brings me comfort? thinking that you are purely His right now-that you have not been tainted by the world in even the slightest bit-that you do have His perspective and you are absolutely on board with whatever it is He's doing-you have no complaints about whether He lets us have you for a while or whether he brings you straight to be with Him in heaven-you have lots to teach us my sweet baby, and i'm so thankful for your pure perspective. you have impacted us in a way that will leave us changed forever. the last part that's bolded, "to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever" reminds me of the little legacy you're leaving already-your story is a beautiful one-one that is full of God's grace and mercy to all of us who love you, His love story with you, and of that unfathomable plan He has that keeps Him mysterious and all-powerful and ultimately good.

andrea maccorkle, the sweet mama of my dear friend and sister-in-law elaine, gave me another verse a few weeks ago. it's John 14:27, and it says "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." this was Jesus talking and it does help give me peace and i read it over and over to myself when i start feeling scared. it reminds me that He is the giver of all peace-in knowing Him is the only place i can truly find that. it also reminds me that His plans are not the kind that we can think up here on earth-He is far above and beyond our ways of thinking and comprehension. that makes it ok that His plan for you might be to take you straight to heaven. but what if he lets us keep you??? that is indeed a good plan too, and He will sustain us as your parents and provide us with what you need. you are a gift, no matter what, and we will take what He gives us of you=)

i love you baby girl-let's go take a nap now and wait for daddy to get home=)

mommy

baby blessing

catherine-

hi pretty girl=) i wanted to tell you a little about some of the friends who have been walking with mommy and daddy through this journey with you. we have precious friends with us here in richmond. it's funny to think how lonely i was when we first moved here, because now i am completely amazed by the richness of the friendships we've made in the past 2 years. we are in a small group at church that meets on wednesday nights, and they dedicated last night to you sweet girl! it was such a precious time-we sang and prayed and talked about you and then these wonderful people wrote down little blessings, prayers, or letters to us and put them in a cute little pink scrapbook for us to keep. there were such sweet words spoken-could you hear any of them? it meant so much to us to hear our friends' hearts for you and for your daddy and me and for it all to be such a beautiful representation of our relationships with Jesus and where He has brought each of us up to this point...these people have grown to love you and they can't wait to welcome you into the world, even if it's just for a brief time. they will celebrate with mommy and daddy no matter what=)

all of the words written in the scrapbook are so special, especially because they each represent somebody who has been a part of your little gestational life=) i wanted to share with you one of my favorite verses that somebody included:

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us."

-Romans 8:18

when i read this, it seemed like a summary of all the thoughts that i've had over the past couple of weeks...it also makes me think about something that kevin, our pastor and dear friend, said to us last night. he and his wife libby were giving your mommy and daddy such amazing compliments about how they think we'll be great parents one day-hopefully to you and also to your little brothers and sisters-and also how they think we've been great parents to you in the only way we have been able to while you've been in my belly...as unqualified as we may think we are to be your parents and as undeserving as we may feel of those sweet words, we freely received that compliment...but all i could think was "the parenting we could give her doesn't even compare to what she would have with her heavenly Father if she were taken straight there"...i would still much rather get to keep you and do my best as your mommy, but it's a nice thought, isn't it? knowing that if you're not with us, you're in the best Hands you could possibly be in=)

you were so funny as we were singing and praying and talking. you were moving around all over the place-sticking your little booty out every which way and your feet up by my ribs...it's like you knew we were talking about you=) your daddy and i had our hands on you the whole time feeling everything you were doing in there...after we sang, your daddy read the lyrics to the song "in Christ alone" over you as a blessing-here are the words:

in Christ alone, my hope is found;

He is my light, my strength, my song

this cornerstone, this solid ground,

firm through the fiercest drought and storm

what heights of love, what depths of peace,

when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!

my comforter, my all in all

here in the love of Christ i stand

in Christ alone, who took on flesh,

fullness of God in helpless babe

this gift of love and righteousness,

scorned by the ones he came to save.

till on that cross as Jesus died,

the wrath of God was satisfied

for every sin on Him was laid

here in the death of Christ i live

there in the ground His body lay,

light of the world by darkness slain

then bursting forth in glorious day,

up from the grave He rose again!

and as He stands in victory,

sin's curse has lost its grip on me

for i am His, and He is mine

bought with the precious blood of Christ

no guilt in life, no fear in death-

this is the power of Christ in me

from life's first cry to final breath,

Jesus commands my destiny

no power of hell, no scheme of man,

can ever pluck me from His hand;

till He returns or calls me home-

here in the power of Christ i'll stand

the last verse is our favorite sweet girl-daddy and i both had to stop singing when we got to that part because we were a little overwhelmed at how it represented our prayer for you and our reassurance of God's plan for your little life...we are trying so hard to not be fearful of death for you-even if it's just minutes from your first cry to your final breath, you are in the hands of Jesus and He has a beautiful home waiting for you with Him in heaven.

i hope i get to show you the little pink scrapbook one day, and that you get to meet all the people praying for you and waiting on your little life to begin. you are precious and we love you so much my sweet girl=)

mommy

ps-happy "term" day! today you turn 37 weeks, and that means you're officially done in there! it also means that you and i have one more week sharing a body=) i have loved this time and will be soaking up all your little movements over the next 7 days;)

a letter from your daddy=)

look sweet girl-your daddy wrote you a letter this morning=) i kept walking by his office and he would be reading it over and over-he said he loved writing it to you-when he was finished he was walking around the house making up songs for you, mainly just singing "little catherine, little catherine" and "i wrote catherine a let-ter, i wrote catherine a let-ter"...it was making me smile and laugh. he loves you so much. here is his letter=)


Well, little girl. This is your father, and I love being your father. In my glimpses of you, I must say you are absolutely beautiful. We have fallen in love with you. Sometimes late in the night, your mom will let me play with you. When I rest my hand on her belly and cover you, it seems like you know. You kick me or flail around.

I cried when I found out you are sick. How I wish that I could protect you. I do not know whether we will ever have the chance to know each other well in this life. I am waiting. While I wait, I pray for you. When I pray, I meditate on several verses. The first describes when God created the universe:

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. (Genesis 1:1-2)

As I read this verse, I felt assured by the Spirit that He is forming order out of the chaos in your life. Still, I do not know exactly what this means. I just know that this is what he is doing. The second verse is Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” The theme is similar for both. God is both sovereign and good.

Also, I have two stories that I remember as I am waiting. In one a baby dies, in another a baby lives. Here is the first:

After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife had borne to David, and he became ill. David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them. On the seventh day the child died. David's servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, "While the child was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate." David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked. "Yes," they replied, "he is dead." Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.
His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!" He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." (2 Samuel 12)

I like David’s approach to prayer. It seems counterintuitive to his friends (i.e., why are you acting this way?). They expected, based on how he acted before his child’s death, that he would become intolerably sad and angry after. I know of no rain dance or other superstition to force the hand of God. Sometimes my desires line up with his will. Who knows, he may answer my desires exactly in the way that I want. As I see it now, David’s fasting and weeping were humble acts of contrition, not acts to try to secure God’s favor. Indeed, as you have already won my heart, you will see that you have won His.

I have prepared my heart—as much as I know how—to lose you. If I do, you will know my hope more fully than I. Heaven is a wonderful place. If on your birthday you leave me, you will meet several people that I love the most: You will see my mom; you will see Mastine; you will see Jesus. How strange that my child, who has taken only a few breaths of air in this world, will experience my God face to face. You will know Him better than I. If you see us cry, we only cry for you because we miss you, not because we do not trust that you are completely safe. Daughter, bless the Lord. He has taken away the sting of death. My soul, bless Him, for he is a safe resting place for all that you love.

I also prepare my heart for you to be with me. This seems easier, but in some ways it is just as scary. This place is not as safe as heaven. Here, you will find more pain. On the other hand, his love is steadfast. Really, I prepare my heart for the same thing. You are His, my daughter. The other story I remember is that of Samuel. After many years he was given to his mother. After she weaned him, she gave him to serve the Lord as a prophet. She prayed this prayer when she left him at the temple to be trained, “For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him.” (1 Samuel 1:27). O how I would love to pray this prayer. I will pray it for the rest of my life.

My dear daughter, I would love to read this letter to you many times over a long life. If I cannot, know that I love you more deeply than you could ever know, except you will, because it’s only a shadow of the love that your true Father has for you.

Dad

lake trip=)

catherine-



hey baby girl=) we got to take you to the lake a few weeks ago. it was such a great trip, and we think you liked it too. mommy's grandparents got to spend time with their hands on my belly, feeling you flip flop around and kick them-they loved it=) your great-grandparents got you the prettiest white dress, and my daddy's mommy made you a beautiful pink blanket. even if you don't get to enjoy it, i know i will treasure it forever. we took long boat rides, which are your mommy's favorite, and even though my back paid for it later, it was precious to me that i was able to have you along for the rides. daddy and i sat on the swing for a long time one day talking about you-part of it was so sweet and funny-we laugh so much as you stick your feet out and push out the right side of my tummy (you're also doing that right now=)). but part of it was so sad my sweet girl. we were talking about what we would do if we end up needing to have a funeral for you. i hate even writing that. i was thinking about us sitting there and seeing this tiny little box up at the front of the church-knowing that you are not actually in there but your sweet little body is-i'm gonna want to reach out and pick you up and hold you so badly. how am i supposed to even sit there and watch that? it doesn't seem the least bit right that a mommy should feel this precious person inside her that's kicking and thriving and having the hiccups, and at the same time be planning that person's funeral. this is the part of things that seems impossible for me. your daddy is so strong-he is soft and sensitive and lets me feel what i feel and cry my eyes out when i need to do that, and he is also an absolute rock to remind me how much we love each other and how we've fallen in love with you, and more than any of that how safely God is holding all three of us and how nice it is that we can trust Him with all of this. that we can trust Him in that moment that you are born...that's the one i have to keep remembering. well none of that is fun, my love, but i do have some sweet pictures to show you from the trip.

the 3 of us taking a nap=)

talking about you on the swing

the hammock-a mommy favorite=)

on the back deck before a boat ride

a sunset cruise=)

we loved being with you there, and we will never forget such a sweet time of no work or school, and just enjoying having you in my tummy=)

i love you sweet girl-

mommy

beauty queen=)

hi catherine=)



let's talk about something more fun...do you want to see how ridiculously gorgeous you are? last week at the 34 week ultrasound we got the most beautiful picture of you-here it is:


can you tell that your eye is open? i love it. i looked over at your daddy the other night and it reminded me so much of this picture-i think you will look like him=) my doctor tells me i got "gypped" and you look just like your daddy in all these ultrasound pictures, but i certainly don't mind. i happen to think he's cute and you are clearly a beauty queen=)

as of last thursday you are "vertex", or head down in my belly. this means i won't necessarily have to have a c-section=) your daddy gave you the biggest pep talk when he found out you had flipped over like most babies do. he kept telling you how proud of you we are and that you have done all we could ask of you this far, and if you could just breathe when you come out that would be so great, but if that ends up just being too much for your little lungs then that was ok too and we would still love you so much. no matter what you do when you come out, we really are so excited to meet you. i keep playing the possibilities of that moment (when you're born) over and over in my head. i kinda wish i wouldn't do that, but i can't help it too much. i'm absolutely terrified of it. i finally started thinking that if you're not able to breathe and not doing well, you are meeting Jesus right in that very second and i can't even begin to grasp the glory and wonder in that. i was telling this to a friend at work and how that is what i imagine will be the only comfort for me in that moment, and she said "but will you really be thinking that?"...and i have no idea. but it's just what i have to think right now or i don't know how else to consider that you might not live...and i honestly don't have a clue if that's good theology or not, thinking that we meet Jesus the instant we leave this world (i honestly don't care too much about "good theology"-i just know who Jesus is and i love Him, and i tend to think that's all that really matters), but i think it's ok for me to remain in that mindset if it helps me in the slightest way to deal with the fact that my little girl might die as soon as she is born.

you, your daddy, and i all had our picture taken by missy bane last week. do you remember how i said we were going to do that? the pictures are beautiful of your sweet little self in that ever-expanding tummy of mine. we felt peaceful, comfortable, and happy there-like all 3 of us are very in love with each other-and i think it comes out in the pictures with you. here is the proof sheet (they are very tiny, but you were there, you remember=))

i think the pictures do a great job of capturing what a precious sweet time this has been for us with you growing in my belly. i'm picturing you smiling in there right along with us=)

i love you my sweet one-

mommy

35 weeks

catherine...



hi baby girl=) today is your 35 week in-utero birthday! so this marks the 3 week countdown until we see your sweet little face. we had yet another weekly ultrasound and testing today...thursday is our day for those. you were just as crazy and wild as usual-it makes us laugh so much seeing you in there as the ultrasound tech tries to chase you around my tummy=) you did great on all your tests as usual, but today they saw that your heart is compressed a little bit. it's still pumping like normal and structurally perfect, but it looks like something more is pressing up against it, leading them to believe that your liver (or at least part of it) is now up in your chest too. that made our hearts sink. not that we ever really got "good" news at those ultrasounds, but at least we never have gotten any new bad news. so today was not the most fun day. all i wanted to do was drive to virginia beach or go to the movies or anything to distract me, but daddy and i ended up watching movies on the couch all afternoon.

i've been a big jumble of thoughts lately-people have told me before that i think too much about things, and i guess this would be no exception. for two weeks i've had this list in my head of stuff i'm wanting to share with you, but i hold myself back from writing for some reason. i don't know why i do that. we found out you were sick when we had 5 more months of pregnancy left, but somehow knowing there's only 3 weeks until you're born feels so much harder than when it was 5 months. bittersweet, i guess. i can't stand the thought of you not being inside me, especially when i don't know if you'll be ok when you come out. but i think we're as ready as we'll ever be. as predicted, i keep having these twinges of anger again...as pointless as i've always thought the question "why do bad things happen to good people?" is, it keeps coming into my head. i do happen to think your daddy and i are decent people, and even as i write this i think it's silly, but i wonder sometimes why us? i feel so sad about it sometimes. my daddy keeps saying how he would take my place in an instant if he could, but my thought is always that we're your parents and in this situation on purpose. i actually don't know how i feel about the details of all that-if God chooses people for seemingly impossible and tragic circumstances, or if He even gave you this diaphragmatic hernia-all i know is that i feel incredibly lucky to be your mom-and that God is high above this defect of yours and that His good will no doubt come from your story.


i love you my girl-the impression you are leaving is already so much greater than your tiny body.


mommy