target

i have been much sadder lately. i guess i expected that-that as you got bigger and it came closer to time for you to be born and maybe die that i would have a harder time being joyful. i found myself not writing to you because i felt so sad, but then that made no sense to me. if i had you out here with me, i wouldn’t quit talking to you or hanging out with you just because i was sad, so i decided to tell you about this part too.

we have another ultrasound tomorrow. we now have ultrasounds every week instead of every four, and they’ll start running tests on you tomorrow-the tests are called NST’s (non-stress tests) and BPP’s (biophysical profiles) to basically just see how you’re doing in there, if your status is deteriorating at all-the perinatologist told us that babies with defects often start doing worse toward the end of the pregnancy, so i’m a little afraid of what we’ll see. up until this point you’ve been doing great, my little dear one. your stomach has always been in your chest and your heart has always been pushed over, but nothing else has been wrong with you at all. all your growth has been on track and you’ve been moving like you should and “practice breathing” like you should-no congestive heart failure or “hydrops” as they call it where there’s fluid all around in your body where it shouldn’t be. you’ve been doing so great=) i’m sure it’s probably because i tend to get anxious anyway, but i’ve just had a sinking feeling lately. i’m so afraid you’re not doing as well now. but i still can’t wait to see you tomorrow.

we also picked your birthday. you will be born august 21, 2008. we have to actually plan when you will be born because so many people will need to be there right when you come out to see if you're doing okay, and if you're not, to try to save your sweet little life and see how we can help you. right now it looks like you will be born via cesarean section, because you seem to like the “breech” position better (you stay bottom down and head up) which means you can’t come out the typical way. that’s ok with us-however you like it in there is just fine. your daddy likes it best when you're breech anyway because it's easier for him to feel where your head is! does that bother you? when we play with your head a little bit by pushing on my stomach? i hope not-and i doubt it-if you resilient babies can handle the labor and delivery process, i know you can handle a gentle push every now and then=) i wish you could see your daddy out here-he gets so excited when he knows that’s your head, and also when you start kicking at him-he says “oh hi!” really loud when you start interacting back with him…you are both very cute=)

i bought you clothes today. that’s been one of the hardest things for me-walking by the baby clothes at target and not stopping-acting like i have no reason to be interested in that section. today i just stood there about to cry, staring at all the clothes wanting so badly to imagine you in these dresses and cute things-and i finally decided i should buy you some. for no other reason than i wanted to. i know the odds are you probably will never get to wear them, but i felt completely at peace with buying them for you. i don’t know if i just wanted to go through the motions of getting ready for you and being your mommy, having all these things you would need one day (you really would look so cute in them my sweet girl! i can’t even imagine…). it just made me feel really happy and mommy-ish and connected to you to buy them and bring them home, so i did it. most of the cutest stuff didn’t come in little newborn girl size, so you have all these 24 month outfits now, which i think is kinda funny=) i only bought one newborn outfit, and it says “I love daddy” on it, so i figured even if that was the only thing you got to wear it would at least make your daddy happy.

we get to take you in my belly to the lake next week-gigi and granddaddy have a lake house and it is my favorite place to be-your daddy and i actually got engaged there=) i think you will love it and i can’t wait for a peaceful week with you on the water.

i love you so much catherine-i don't even know how to put it into words-when you start moving i just sit there and rub and pat you because that’s what i would want to be doing if you were outside of me. i wish you were laying on my chest sleeping and i could hold your little head and pat your cute behind=) you are so precious to us sweet girl…

mommy